Royale with Cheesy

They finally got rid of Elina the Superior, who still didn't shine despite being in almighty Europe. Did you notice how much she resembled Julia Styles this week?

It's ridiculous that they didn't get rid of Marjorie who is a major pain in the backside. I can't imagine being patient with her in real life, but maybe I would feel sorry for her. Her insecurities are really crippling. Which is why it is a mystery that she's still there. She only made it to TWO go-sees and neither one would book her! And her pictures weren't that great. The others should feel pretty confident about next week unless they really screw something up, because TYRA. Marjorie needs to go home now.

Oh Bummer

Big news, huh? I am SO BUMMED. I really didn't think this would happen; I would have bet money on it. I'm just glad I didn't. AND I had to learn about it after the fact, from a blog, because I missed it when it aired.

I can't believe they kicked Sheena off! Grrr! What? ANTM, of course; what are you talking about?

I just knew she would win! Gah! Thanks, Tyra. Thanks a lot. Now I have to re-figure out the crazy inner workings of your show, and, frankly, it isn't worth it. So henceforth I shall just empty my brain while I watch and alternately enjoy/get really irritated by the display then go about my business la la la.

I'm sorry I missed their first show in Amsterdam, but from what I read, it was pretty boring anyway. Now they are down to Sam the Tomboy, Elina the European, Annaleigh the Cute, Marjorie the Twitch, and McKey the Crooked. So, I guess... Elina or McKey? Oh hell, I don't know. And it doesn't matter. I mean, not that it ever does, but the ones left are either really annoying or really boring or both, so I just don't even really care.

That being said, I'll watch it tonight. Or, rather, tape it and watch it tomorrow.

Projects and Models

I hate to say it but Project Runway's finale was pretty boring. They booted Jerrell, which really surprised me. His stuff wasn't my favorite, but the judges always seemed to really like it. I harbor a sneaking suspicion that they just wanted a woman to win (I think all the past winners have been men) so they took Jerrell right out of the equation. I hope not. Okay, I just checked and a woman won Season 2. I must have missed that season because she doesn't even look familiar. Anyway, that makes me feel a little less suspicious, but it still seems like they were thinking it was time for a woman to win again.

Of the three (women) who showed at Fashion Week, I actually liked Korto's line the best, which I knew doomed it, because whatever I like the judges usually hate, presumably because it's not ugly enough. Whatever, Leanne's line was okay, I was over the wave thing after the first two outfits, but apparently the judges liked it. Or just hated it the least.

ANTM is making less sense than usual to me. I'm sticking with Sheena as the winner because I still say they are going to want to have an ethnic girl win because last cycle's winner was a blond white girl. Of course, she was a plus-sized model, which maybe negates the whole ethnicity thing? And Marjorie and Elina are European, so maybe that qualifies as ethnic to Tyra. I don't know. Like Tyra said, you think you know ANTM, but you. don't. know. ANTM. I think she actually said the whole title, but eh. Too much to type.

They are too into Annaleigh lately, which usually means she will not win. In the last episode, where they did commercial spots for Cover Girl, Annaleigh was totally a combination of Fiona Apple and Meg Ryan. She suddenly morphed into this little Meg Ryan, Jr. that was honestly adorable. Yo. Despite the freaky close-close-CLOSE close-up shot at the beginning. The director's big claims to fame were Nike and Converse commercials, which had me wondering how this made him qualified to do a make-up commercial (because, um, a shoe and a face are not the same thing). But that is the wild, wacky world of ANTM. As with the making of sausage and law, it's better not to know the inner workings of Tyra's mind.

Tyra thought Annaleigh's commercial was so good, she said it knocked her out, or something, and she fell over onto Nigel's "sexy shoulder." Jeez Louise, it is sexy, sure, Tyra, but what about the big head attached? His ego is soon going to need a table of its own. Don't make it worse.

This was also the episode where they announce where they are taking the girls who continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Twat, er, Model. So they make a big deal of where they're going and everyone's all WHOO Amsterdam! Then Tyra gets a stern face and says 'Of course ONE of you is not going to Amsterdam. Because you SUU-UUCK!' Wow, thanks for the total buzzkill, is this actually America's Next Top Sadistic Witch?

So, after Marjorie barely stumbled through her commercial because of her freaking nerves, I'm so sick of her NERVES, they kicked off Joslyn! Who did admittedly turn in a fakey-fake commercial, but at least it was amusing and light-hearted and showed she has showmanship if nothing else -- especially since just before this she had been puking into a garbage can -- and it wasn't a sad exhibition of I'm-just-going-to-say-the-lines-really-fast-so-I-can-get-this-over-with like Marjorie's. I don't get it. Why would Tyra go out of her way to get rid of the one remaining black girl? Especially when hers wasn't the worst performance?

Maybe it's because of the tension between Sheena/Sam (America!) and Elina/Marjorie (Europe!) -- they think it keeps the show interesting? Note to Tyra: Dear Ty-Ty, It doesn't. They are all lame and uninteresting. Love, Me

Anyway, the mystery is still alive at ANTM. I really don't know America's. Next. Top. Model. Tyra, you minx!

My Reality

I didn't get to see ANTM this week; I had Mom tape it but when I tried to play it back it kept jumping from SLP to LP. I have no idea why or how to fix it so I didn't watch it. Oddly enough, it stopped jumping on Project Runway which was on immediately after ANTM. Maybe the CW was causing the trouble.

Anyway, I saw that Clark got barred! (Okay, I stole that, I admit it. The whole Clark Bar thing. It's funny.) It's about time. They may make a chunky girl a top model but they are not going to make a lipless freak a top model. Not on my watch.

Ha! As if it matters anyway. I noticed that one of Whitney's My Life as a Pretend Cover Girl spots had her BAKING AND EATING CUPCAKES. As if they would ever pretend that any typical stick figure model even eats, much less cupcakes! Or knows how to use a spoon, much less an oven! Oh whatever, I can't even get worked up about this, it's so stupid.

Project Runway was pretty fun to watch. The contestants had to make evening gowns based on nature as they found it in the New York Botanical Gardens (which, y'all, beautiful, really gorgeous). The dresses were okay, I didn't really like any of them. Kenley showed her a** again and everyone, including the judges, commented on her attitude. All three of the other contestants were hatin' on Kenley, poor thing. I mean, her attitude hasn't been great, and I may have been just like them if I were there, but watching her sit by herself when they were obviously talking about her just made me feel sorry for her.

Anyway, the judges couldn't decide who should go and I was all like, let all four stay! Because I think they've all been pretty good. And lo, Lesli spoke and they saw that it was good. My idea, that is. But only three can compete at Bryant Park for some reason -- like Heidi Klum couldn't change that if she wanted? Really? -- so they all have to make complete collections only to have one told they are out RIGHT BEFORE FASHION WEEK STARTS. That totally sucks, but I guess the designers love creating a whole collection even if they get booted and it was a second chance for either Korto or Kenley (the bottom two), so they were pleased by that. As was I, of course.

So, for next week... Will Kenley have a better attitude when she comes back? Will Korto's booty be just as big? (Y'all, it's tremendous. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- it's almost majestic.) Will Leanne still be slumping around with limp hair and sad bangs? Will I have figured out what actor I think Jerrell most resembles? Stay tuned!

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall. The Salon Wall, That Is.

Well, ANTM gets sillier by the episode, which I didn't think was possible. The whole princess party/Miss Jay as the wicked witch/Mr. Jay as Prince Charming/Tyra "acting"... awkward. Awk-waard! Tyra has an odd way of presenting herself to the contestants -- one minute she's the best friend, then she's the den mother, then she's the show-off friend, then she's the judge/executioner. If I were one of the contestants, I would dread the day Tyra showed up in the living room.

Anyway, the photo shoot was fun to watch because the photographer was Russell James, who (whom?) I really like and would love to work with in another lifetime when I'm a photographer. I don't know what happened to his reality show, The Shot, because I really enjoyed it -- hello, I watch ANTM for the photography! So I guess it didn't get the ratings. Damn you, American Public!

Anyway again, the show otherwise was extremely anticlimactic for the makeover show. The only one who was upset was Elina, and I don't blame her. They weaved in this fuzzy sort of red poodle on her head. That dog was barking! Okay, I don't know what that means, but it was ugly. She got over being upset about it pretty well and lied lied LIED to the photographer and supermodel/bathing suit designer at the photo shoot and said she loves it, because she's not a complete idiot. Except for her pash on Clark, the snouted wonder. Most of the makeovers were pretty tame except they gave Clark dark brown, almost black, hair, and honestly, the only thing going for her before was her blondness. She has a look that we had a very non-PC colloquialism for when I was growing up; I can't say what it is because I may offend people, but I can hint that it has something to do with where the person looks like they live. Like her real name is Sharlena or Bambi or Brittnee or Rylee or Reba Garthetta or maybe even Sharlena Rylee Garthetta. Let's just say I don't think she's attractive and move on.

Most of the other girls ended up looking better.

Brittany, who (whom?) I should just rename Bitchany, seems to think she knows everything and has the right to set up inquisitions and judge the other contestants. See that superior look? That isn't a pose. All of the other girls let her get away with it, so I guess they have Only Themselves to Blame, but... me no likee her. She was grilling Elina because Elina said she hates her mom, and was all, Does she pay the rent? Does she buy groceries? Like that's proof of a good mother. That's the bare minimum of what should be expected of someone who BROUGHT YOU INTO THE WORLD. I wish Elina had stood up to her better, she just said You should know my mom. I mean, Duh, Bitchany, do you know her mom? Do you know what her life has been like? Her mom could manage to put a roof over Elina's head and get her the minimum amount of food necessary for survival and still be a horrible person. (Of course, Elina could be an ungrateful brat, but my point is that Brittany didn't KNOW and was handing out judgments like the Recording Angel or something. Just like she wanted to rake Hannah over the coals for racism, when Hannah hadn't displayed any racism at all! Well, at least not that we saw. Well, not yet. That we saw. Anyhoodle, I would have pushed Isis away from me in the hot tub, too, not because of racism or any kind of -ism other than I don't like people I don't know very well drifting into me in a hot tub-ism. That was rude, if you ask me. And I think Lauren Brie pushed, too, but Hannah got all the blame. And who's whiter than Lauren Brie? She's named after cheese!)







But guess what? Sometimes life is good and justice is served. Brittany, aka Bitchany, aka The Pretty Girl, got the AX. Or AXE, if you prefer. Yes! Every once in a while they get one right and it makes me happy. Honestly, I didn't think she was the worst model and I don't think she had the worst picture (hello, Clark!) but she was by far the most annoying one, so good riddance. As she was leaving she said she was too bright a star to just fade away, which may or may not be true, I can't say; what I can say is that I'm just happy she'll be shining her little superior know-it-all light elsewhere from now on.

Oh! We got to see Nigel's wife! She does exist! She's some sort of CoverGirl spokesperson and maybe model? I don't know. She's pretty, that's for sure, but I still think Nigel wanders. I mean, come on.

So. Some of the girls seem like fun, like Joslyn, Samantha, and Sheena. The others seem mostly boring, but maybe they've just been edited that way. I still say the winner will be ethnic, but it won't be Isis. Tyra will keep her around long enough to impress us all with her broad-mindedness and then BOOT. Besides, Russell James didn't know she was transgendered and said he didn't think she had the facial structure for modeling. So I think she's there more for Tyra than for her.

What am I saying? Aren't they all??!!

PS - As much as I hate Mr. Jay's hair -- it looks like someone spilled baby powder on it and he only had time to brush it half out and then just said To hell with it -- I still think he's good-looking. Why do so many people seem to think he's gross? And he's been much more likable the last few cycles, I think. Less orange, less strange, less hyper and mean and kiss-ass. I still don't see why Miss Jay gets to judge and Mr. Jay doesn't, but Tyra didn't ask me what I thought. If she had, this show would be a LOT different. And honestly, probably a lot less fun.

America's Next Top... Dude? Stick Figure? Small Mammal?

So on ANTM this week, it was the usual. Charges of racism, girls freaking out, drama, drama, DRAMA. And yet boring.

The photo shoot was kind of fun to watch, and I won't make fun of any of them on that rope ladder in long dresses and high heels because I'd probably still be hanging there if I had to do it. "Jay?... um, Mr. Jay?" [sound of crickets]

Anyway, I have to talk about some of the contestants because it is what I do.

This is the first cycle in a while that has NO PLUS-SIZED GIRL. Oh, but it wasn't rigged last cycle, not at all. Instead, this cycle has a transgendered contestant and an unemployed girl and a girl who is apparently French? (I missed where she was from, partly because I can't hear her when she speaks and forget lip-reading because she tends to hide her face in her hunched-up shoulders. If you are really that shy and insecure, what possessed you to try out for a modeling competition???) and a vegan lesbian with a vaguely Middle European look. Yes? No? Whatever. She apparently has a little crush on Clark and I cannot figure out why. Clark has a SNOUT. It's a relatively pretty snout, sure, but still... snout. SNOUT. Wow, that word is beginning to lose all meaning. So, here you go... proof:








Okay, maybe that picture doesn't really prove my point, but it is all I could find. I am not as techno-savvy as I'd like to be, and I can't afford all them dadgum gadgets anyhow. You're just going to have to watch the show and see for yourself (soon! I don't know how long she'll last!). You'll see; she is snout-licious.

I think Isis is there primarily as yet another way for Tyra to seem open-minded and warm and fuzzy, but DAMN is he, urgh, sorry, she secure! I mean, I don't think she's the sharpest knife in the drawer (and maybe that helps keep your skin thick -- if you can't understand the insult, you can't feel it) but anyway, she seems pretty secure and focused. I admire that. And she's taken pretty good pictures so far.

Hannah, on the other hand, poor thing. She's from ALASKA, in case you haven't heard her say that about a hundred times already. But she is from a small town and is only 18, so maybe she's as gosh-darn innocent and vulnerable as she seems. I do know that if those tough inner-city girls were ganging up on my daughter, I'd be heading straight for Tyra, nails drawn. I'm not saying she hasn't made some mistakes that have maybe hurt some of the other girls' feelings (though they don't seem hurt so much as relishing the chance to take down a vulnerable lil ole white girl), but seeing her cry made me feel for her parents. That's all. Well, that and I know she's going to go through all that for nothing, at least as far as the competition goes. I don't think she'll last very long. But hey, maybe some personal growth!

They kicked off Nikeysha last night, and I'm not sorry to see her go. I just didn't think much of her modeling potential. Tyra asked her what she eats and she didn't really answer. Um, what was the point of that, Tyra? "Girl, are you anorexic? Get off my show!" Whatever, it's not like they really care, see oh, almost all of the girls that have ever been on this show, except the plus girls, of course. But it was disturbing to me that in her photograph Nikeysha was wearing a bangle bracelet -- designed to fit on your forearm -- on her upper arm. I'm sure that is not uncommon in the modeling world but yurk. When your elbow is bigger than your bicep, it's time to EAT A SANDWICH. Damn.

Anyway, as much as I figured that the show is rigged as far as Tyra having planned which type of girl she wants to win before the cycle even begins, I now think that she has decided which girl will win before it even begins (filming, at least) and they manipulate everything around that. Which is more disappointing to me than knowing they have decided which type they want. So, anyway, this cycle winner won't be a blond white girl, and probably won't even be a white girl. Sorry, Lauren Brie, Samantha, Clark, Marjorie, Annaleigh, McKey, Hannah, and Elina, this cycle gone be 'bout flava.

While I don't like Sheena's hood-speak or fake boobs, I do like her. So far. I think she's got a decent shot at it if she can stop hoochie-ing it up and get some class. At least the little bit that is required for ANTM. (And although I am anti-fake boobs unless it's reconstruction, she has a rockin' figure. I wonder what she looked like pre-surgery. Probably pretty rockin'. Ah well. Girls today.)

Joslyn, who is the Louisiana girl (holla!), is unemployed and has a tendency to use a strange high-pitched voice à la Chris Tucker (kind of; and I can't decide if she can help it or not), but she seems like fun. If she will get off the racist thing with Hannah. (I think they all need to just calm down. Besides, I think Hannah pushed Isis because she's a dude-but-not-really, not because she's black.) Anyway, Joslyn tried out for ANTM thirty times. Yes, that's right, 30. No wonder she's unemployed! Trying to get on ANTM was her job. I wonder if they accepted her just to get rid of her, you know? But she has taken some surprisingly good pictures.

All right, that's all for now. I'm too busy worrying about Hurricane Ike to think about this anymore.

The Other White Meat

Oh my hell. In last night's episode, part 1 of 2 of the finale, the contestants were in Puerto Rico. (Where I totally want to go now.)

In the quickfire challenge, they had to use plantains to impress Padma and the guest judge, Wilo Benet. (Apparently pronounced Willow, which made me miss Buffy all over again.) The contestants all start working and bring out their dishes to the judges. Antonia and Richard don't fare so well, Stephanie and Loser do well with Stephanie FTW. It seems to me that Loser practiced cooking Puerto Rican food during the break, and I have to say, if so, that was pretty smart. The others don't mention anything like that, though they could have, of course.

By the way, Loser now looks totally like a guy with her new butch haircut, but it is still a vast improvement over the greasy straggles hanging over the bandana we were treated to before. BUT she keeps wearing tank tops and shlumpy long shorts (board shorts? too-short capris? who knows?) and it is NOT the look for her. Maybe she's become a reality show contestant junkie and is angling for a spot on What Not to Wear. All I know for sure is that I now have to start calling her Lumpy.

The elimination challenge is to cook three dishes from an ENTIRE PIG for a party of VIPs. So they have to butcher poor Babe and create three dishes for the glitterati party; no pressure! But (of course) they'll have help! Out come Dale, Andrew, Spike, and Nikki. I have to wonder why the same losers keep showing up -- do they just use the most recently eliminated? Okay, I just checked and apparently that's it. So I suppose, in theory, that means they are getting the strongest chefs from that season as assistants. Unless by some fluke someone stays way past their due date (I'm looking at you, Spike).

Stephanie's advantage from her quickfire win is not only to choose her assistant, but to ASSIGN all the assistants to chefs. Lumpy is already bitching to the camera about how she doesn't get along with Dale, or Andrew, or... Really, does she get along with anyone? I bet she argues with herself. Stephanie says she doesn't want conflict in the kitchen, so she takes Douche (who I would have chosen just because I think he's the best chef in that bunch, but apparently she's also known him for ten years) and assigns Spite to Richard, Tiny Pasta Dancer to Antonia, and Crazy to Lumpy. Lumpy is -- drumroll, please! -- not happy.

The sous chefs run off to the market to get fresh stuff for the chefs, while the chefs start carving their individual Babes. (Note to self: NEVER be a chef.) I much prefer my meat to be completely unindentifiable as the animal it once was. So. Crazy can't speak Spanish so he's struggling at the market, but Spite apparently knows some, we only hear Douche say Gracias, and we don't hear TPD say anything at all in Spanish, but those three seem to do fine. Back in the kitchen, the chefs have been carving and separating and butchering, but mercifully they don't show too much of it. By "it" I mean gross parts of the poor pigs. The sous chefs come back and everyone moves along. Stephanie and Douche seem to really be grooving along, and I have high hopes because they are both talented. Everyone wraps up and crams their stuff into the inadequate refrigerator space and leave for the evening.

Cut to: Camera focus on rubbed pork belly, left out by DOUCHE.

They come in the next day and Stephanie discovers the Douche's bonehead mistake. She is completely calm and starts thinking about what else she can do. Douche apologizes and she says shortly, "That's okay." Wow. I was impressed. There is NO WAY I wouldn't have lost my temper. And can you imagine what paroxyms of rage Lumpy would have flown into? Actually, I kind of wish we'd seen that.

Cut to: Douche the Homeboy says to the camera that if this makes her lose, he would never forgive himself. Well, I think he really meant it, it looked like he was about to cry in one shot. In another, he had on douchey shades and was acting all Homeboy Down the Kitchen, Yo. STOP BEING SUCH A DAMN DOUCHE.

Back to the kitchen, where Stephanie and Douche have come up with something else. And this is where I think the truly talented chefs show their mettle -- being able to come up with something else quickly enough to fit it in when your original plans fall to pieces. And not something else like me throwing some rice-in-a-bag on to boil because the potatoes fell on the floor or something, but something else good enough to win a cooking competition. Somehow I think Lumpy would NOT have been able to do that. So I think they need to add a challenge like that toward the end of a season when they've already (presumably) weeded out the total washouts. Ahem, producers? Could you get on that, please?

Anyway, they all move on. Lumpy is being her usual sunny self, spreading doom and gloom wherever she goes. Everyone is so over her. Poor Crazy.

Cut to: PARTY! The chefs are at their stations, finishing dishes, making things, lalala. We see various comments by the judges and some of the people at the party, but of course they don't make it extremely clear what's coming.

Cut to: Judges' table. Padma goes and calls Richard and Stephanie. She's all solemn, as if we don't all know that means those two did the best. All season the first ones called have been the favorites. Maybe TC wants to shake it up a little next season, producers? (I'm going to have to start asking for a consultant's fee. No more free tips!)

The pattern remains unchanged and Richard and Stephanie are the favorites! And the winner is... Richard! And his prize is... a brand new car! Yes, a car. No, this is not the Price is Right. Richard was understandably taken aback. (It was a 2009 Toyota Corolla, so, nice, but still... weird, right? Next thing you know we'll have car commercials featuring chef montages à la American Idol.)

The winners now have to send the losers out. The judges go through why they are the losers -- at least two of Lumpy's dishes have problems, if not all three, and Antonia's peas were undercooked. Plus she put all three dishes on the same plate -- gasp! The judges were apparently stymied by this. "If they're on the same plate, I can't distinguish them. I can't taste the difference." What? Seriously, WHAT? Just putting them on the same plate somehow completely confounded your taste buds? If all three of her dishes tasted that similar to one another, don't you think, really, that you would have still realized it even if she had served each one on a separate plate? Really? It's like they all suddenly came down with Homer Simpson's brain: "Look, I don't like you and you don't like me, but let's do this thing. Other people had bits of stuff on different plates and she just handed us a single plate with a lot of stuff on it. Is it all the same, just more? Are these different items of... eating stuff? Is this, whatchamacallit... food? Am I eating?" D'oh, indeed.

So they hear the losers out, send them away, deliberate in a strangely retarded way (see plate discussion above), then call the losers back. Lumpy's double chin is in evidence as usual, along with her buttonhole mouth and narrowed eyes, but it's not as pronounced as usual. Either she's watched earlier footage or she's been reading blogs because it wasn't as bad as it used to be. Antonia just looks normal, a little apprehensive. The judges berate them again, then Padma pauses dramatically and says...


Antonia, please pack your knives and go.


ANTONIA!! Why does past performance not matter to these people?! Arrrrrgggghhhh!! I can't believe Lumpy is still there! Antonia thanks the judges and shakes all of their hands and Lumpy smirks at them and says, "You won't be sorry." Well, they'll be the only ones. The losers go back and Antonia tells the winners she is outie. They are understandably shocked. They hug her and she leaves.

The other three sit there for a moment, then Lumpy says, "I know you didn't want Antonia to go, but it would be nice for you to tell me congratulations." Oh, YES SHE DID. She is the most uncouth, clueless, ridiculous person I've seen on a reality show in a while. Mostly because the current ANTM cycle is over, but still.

Stephanie just looks at her then shakes her head a little and says, "Congratulations." Richard mumbles his congratulations, then cut to him saying to the camera, "You won the bronze medal. Congratulations." He's usually pretty milquetoast, so that was kind of harsh for him.

Feel better, Lumpy? There's nothing like grudging congratulations for warming the cockles of the ol' heart, is there? She then proceeds to say, "I know you liked Antonia, but it feels like you think the wrong one went home." Well, DUH. The WHOLE WORLD thinks the wrong one went home, dear Lump.

You know Stephanie and Richard are thinking "How did we end up slumming it with this angry weirdo?" but they don't show it. They must be itching to beat her. It makes the competition seem a little meaningless. You know, like if they let every child "win" a race, it means nothing to have come in first. It denigrates the whole competition by making it not a competition at all, so what's the point? I know they still win something here, but I think it must be less fun and pride-inducing to beat Lumpy than Antonia or Douche. I still can't believe that no matter what else, she is now THIRD PLACE for the competition. Antonia and Douche must be so pissed.

In my opinion, Top Chef ought to be ashamed. To let her get this far when there were other more talented chefs is just a joke. It makes the competition look lame. And it hadn't seemed lame to me before. It's a sad day when Top Chef disillusions you almost as much as ANTM makes you feel dirty and used.

Oh, Come On

I missed the ANTM finale again last night, so I made Andrew check to see if they were going to air it again. He said he didn't see it if they were, but they are going to rerun the entire cycle soon. So he asked if I wanted to know who won and I said, I guess so. He said, Who do you think didn't win? I said, Whitney. He said, Yeah, she won.

This show is so totally rigged. They just want to seem PC, like they aren't causing anorexia and bulimia and drug abuse and God only knows what else, so they leaped on the first "plus-size" girl who was as close to being as thin as the others as possible without actually slipping out of the plus category.

Well, I'm not upset, I liked Whitney, though she was a little fake. She's pretty and I like that she is normal-sized, though I hate that means she's considered a plus-sized model. I don't mean normal, as in Americans have gotten so fat that now Whitney is considered normal. I mean, Whitney is normal, Americans are generally MUCH fatter than that, and the other girls are like sticks and probably don't eat. Of course, some girls are naturally that thin when they are that young. God knows I was. Well, I don't know; I don't think you could see my entire rib cage from the BACK. *shudder*

I can't recap, obs, since I didn't see it, but I hope to catch it when they rerun this cycle. I probably won't watch the episodes again because I really did find the show -- and Tyra, especially -- to be extra annoying this time around. But I would like to see the finale and how they justified choosing Whitney.

I just checked around and have seen some pictures of Whitney pre-show where she is really thin. There's a rumor going around that someone from the show approached her and told her she'd be on it if she gained 10-20 pounds. So she was a size 4 or 6 and went up to an... 8? Maybe a 10? It's hard to say, since the camera does add pounds. I wonder. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if it was true. Nothing seems honest on this show.

If they were going to go with a plus-sized model, they should have gone with Toccara who was beautiful (and presumably still is) and seemed like a lot of fun. She was really plus-sized; Whitney just seems slightly bigger than the rest.

This is Reality

* spoilers *

I only saw the last part of the second half of ANTM last night, so I don't really have much to say except that last week Tyra told Whitney to stop being so sexy and then the guest judge this week said that Whitney needed to be sexier! And do you think Tyra stepped up and said, Well, last week she was being too sexy so I told her to bring it down, so that is probably what happened. Um, no. Tyra stepping up? Not gonna happen.

Anyway, they finally, FINALLY, booted Dominique off. Who took it really well, and was actually kind of endearing in her "I'm so great" kind of way. Nice to see a positive attitude, even if it's a little arrogant.

I still say Anya for the win. The only reason Whitney has made it this far, I think, is because she's the smallest plus-size girl they've had. And she is really pretty, though, strangely, that doesn't always seem to carry much weight on ANTM. (Ooh, I just did what I accused the judges of doing last week! Ha! I didn't even realize it.)

I wish they would stop comparing Fatima to Iman; while there is a superficial resemblance, Fatima has nothing on Iman (even though in these pictures Iman is probably twice Fatima's age):















On to Top Chef! Again, if you aren't watching, you should be. Do it, watch it, do it, do it, doitdoitdoitdoit.

This time they had a WEDDING to prepare the food for, and the team that won the Quickfire Challenge got to choose Bride or Groom and they chose the BRIDE. Crazy!

The Quickfire Challenge was the relay race one that is really fun to watch. It was down to the wire, unlike last season, when Casey took three hours to chop an onion. The team that won it was a much stronger team, with Richard, Antonia, Stephanie, and Andrew, but, like I said, it was close. Dale, who is such a prat, pitched a fit about losing, hitting a locker and yelling F**k! Then he had to have his diaper changed. (As Antonia said. Hee!)

So the wedding was fun -- I mean, we didn't see much of the wedding, just the food parts. Which is good, how boring to watch some strangers stand there and say some vows. Ho hum. Get to the food!

The bride's team had to create a wedding cake and none of them are pastry chefs, so... very daunting. Stephanie took it on and it turned out nicely. I mean, it looked nice. Apparently the groom's cake tasted better, but looked much worse.

The bride's team won, and Richard was the winner out of the contestants. He wanted to give the win to Stephanie, since she took on the cake, so they ended up sharing it. I thought that was nice. Very collegial and respectful.

Nikki, on the groom's team, was cut. It wasn't a surprise, she didn't seem like a strong contender anyway.

Next week: Dale loses his temper! Richard wears a pink shirt! Lisa says something negative! Andrew says something bizarre! Spike wears a fedora! Stephanie and Antonia act normal!

You can't wait, can you?

Reality Bytes. Bits? Maybe Nibbles.

Here we go again. I know, right? Anyway, I watched ANTM and Top Chef last night (WHY must they be on the same night? At least they're not on at the same time.)

* spoiler alert *

ANTM

Easy to see Katarzyna was going down. Obviously they didn't like her; they couldn't even be bothered to pronounce her name right. So it looks like the winner will be Anya. But who knows? They've kept Dominique around despite her missing tooth. I mean, look at this (from fourfour; Rich Juzwiak does a hilarious recap of ANTM every Monday. You should never, ever miss it.):










They gave Dom a hard time about how she was dressed at judging, like they were surprised. Tyra told her, while giving her her picture which meant she was still-in-the-running-towards-becoming-America's-Next-Top-Model, that she needed to work on it and then said "So it looks like Dominique" (or something like that; I don't have the show memorized or Tivo'd or whatever, I'm working on memory, people, and it's become a nervous, timid little thing lately) and I thought, That's what she's doing now, Tyra! Ugh. This cycle is so annoying.

Whitney isn't going to be around much longer. She keeps landing in the bottom two and they're only keeping her so it looks like they aren't a bunch of fashionatrixes (-trices?) who are disgusted by the fact that she isn't a size 2. Well, Tyra probably likes to keep the plus-size girls around longer so she doesn't look quite so behemoth next to the contestants. (And my point here is that the girls are usually unhealthily skinny, not that Tyra is too big. I think Tyra looks fine.)

And they always make comments that have to do with weight and size when they speak to Whitney, and I'm not sure they're aware of it. It's either sly and mean, or it's unconscious and unbelievably un-self-aware. (Hm. There has to be a better word for that. Oblivious? Stupid?) I wish I could remember (again with the creaking brain machinery) what exactly they said, but it seems like Miss Jay, Nigel, and Tyra all did it. Maybe it's scripted, which means it's sly and mean. Alright, I found a couple of comments and now they seem more unconscious than deliberate. Calling Whitney down, Tyra said, "Last but not least, Whitney." Okay, people say that, it may not have meant anything more than that. And when Nigel was talking to the judges he said, "There's a lot to Whitney." Then he went on to make it seem like he meant personality-wise, but when he said it, Paulina made a face like, Are you talking about her weight, man?

And what is with Tyra trying to pretend like she feels maternal towards these girls? Do you plan to not bother to pronounce your own daughter's name correctly someday, Ty-Ty?

Let's not forget that she chooses the "best picture" that they judge the girls on. Oh, no chance of rigging the competition there, no! Again, ANNOYING, this cycle. But I have to watch it to the cold, grim finale now.

Top Chef

Again, if you aren't watching, YOU SHOULD. And you don't have to be a foodie to enjoy it; as I said, I don't cook, don't like to, and don't even really like to eat more than a few things. It's become a bone of contention between my husband and me: he likes to try new things and likes most of what he tries; I don't like to try anything new and almost never like it when I do. It's a problem. I'd be perfectly happy eating the same four things I know I like, tra-la. Anyway, we struggle on and try new things because I want to make sure we have interesting things for Bunny to eat. Healthy, too. Another struggle.

Okay, this post sort of got away from me for a moment. Back to Top Chef.

So last night they had an interesting challenge -- to make a healthy, tasty meal for a family of four on a budget of $10. I think they get to use staples that are in the kitchen already, so they had only to buy main ingredients (but at Whole Foods, which, you know, a little pricey). Still, challenging. It was fun to see what they came up with. AND they had to cook with kids that are part of the Common Threads, an organization... oh, I'll just let them tell you: The Mission of Common Threads is to educate children on the importance of nutrition and physical well-being, and to foster an appreciation of cultural diversity through cooking.

So, again, fun to watch. Mark got cut (hee, that never gets old)(yes, to me) this time. I was sad to see him go, I liked him, but I wasn't very surprised. His cooking didn't really seem to be of the same caliber as some of the other chefs'.

America's Next Top...

...Witch, apparently. Tyra is not playing so nice this cycle (or they've decided not to edit it out). Last week she said that she was "trying to say something nice" about Stacy Ann and this week she couldn't be bothered to pronounce Katarzyna's name correctly. Didn't even try! So, so rude.

* Spoiler Alert *

Gonna talk about the show. First of all, WHY do they try to make these girls speak a foreign language? They have so little prep time. I think it's unfair and frankly stupid. Like that's real life. There's no way a company is going to have its product's success or failure riding on some ditzy model's ability to speak their language without even any preparation. Ridiculous and not even entertaining.

And the decision of who was going home wasn't even climactic. Lauren not only did a horrible, horrible job of the commercial, but she gave up. She looked like she was about to cry through most of it, which was painful to watch and not at all entertaining or amusing. I just felt sorry for her. There was really no choice of who should leave, given her performance.

I'm still amazed that Fatima is still there after the whole "travel papers" imbroglio. Not because she "forgot" to get her papers -- that whole situation was obviously staged by the producers to create some tension and drama (otherwise sorely lacking this cycle) (oh, and it didn't work) -- but because she missed the photo shoot. Of course, if the producers set the appointment for her at the same time as the photo shoot, then there's really no way -- ethically, at least -- they could have kicked her off for it. LAME, the whole situation.

Dominique is ridiculous, she looks like an old drag queen. Fatima usually looks ashy and weird, though occasionally she surprises me. Whitney is never going to win because they will never let a plus-sized girl win. They've been going out of their way lately to point out how phoney she is (really, Tyra?), obviously paving the way to booting her off. Anya looks like an albino Celine Dion so I'm stunned she's made it this far (and they keep saying how much she "looks like a model" -- they know better than I do, of course, but... really? I didn't know models were so homely. Maybe they're referring to the visible ribs. Even from the back. Urk.). I think Katarzyna should win but they keep going on about how she has no personality (apparently they have nothing else to complain about, which means SHE SHOULD WIN). I think they are the final two, though I'm sure it's foreordained based on some complicated formula of Political Correctness, Appearance Of.

The show is really transparently formulaic this cycle. The Plus-Sized Girl, the Old Girl, the Tomboy, the Exotic Girl, the Stupid Girl, the Foreign Girl, the Mean Girl, the Crazy Girl. Some of them overlap, and some are interchangeable, but all the slots are filled.

And Tyra, who I used to like, has really gotten on my nerves this cycle. She has never seemed so fake or arrogant or downright b*tchy as this cycle. Maybe she should leave the show.

Sigh. I just like the photography, dammit.