Pile o' 'Poo

The other day I spent a good hour searching online for a good shampoo. I'm not kidding.

When did shampoo-buying get so complicated? Why doesn't it just clean your hair anymore?! I don't want a shampoo that gives me volume or smoothes my frizzies or moisturizes anything at all. I JUST WANT CLEAN HAIR.

If I want anything else, I'll buy some damn conditioner.

I long for how simple shampoos were when I was growing up, back in the long-long ago. Then we just worried about how good it smelled. And shine, yes, everyone wanted shiny hair, which, really, just seems to go along with... CLEAN hair. Hmph.

Bring back my Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific! My Yucca Dew! My Body on Tap! (Okay, that implies that it gave your hair body, but it gave it body by cleaning it. See? Simple.)

One of those big companies needs to get on this. I can't be the only person who thinks this. Can I? CAN I??!!

Project SELF-ESTEEM!!!

Lunatics are definitely running the asylum. I think throughout the fashion world. Or maybe I mean "fashion." I can't understand why high fashion=ugly these days.

Anyway. I am sick of Heidi being so shocked at contestants "throwing [each other] under the bus." It's a COMPETITION, not a church social. And you force them to tell you who they thought was the weakest link, or why this or that happened, with your steely German stare, so what you're saying is that if they honestly think one of the other contestants is weak, they should lie? I thought this was a competition based on design skills, not some duel of honor. (Can it be called a duel when several people are involved? So a... clash of honor?) I agree that no one likes people who always seem to be pointing fingers and never taking responsibility, but you are making them tell you these things. So if it bothers you, STOP DOING IT. You have the power, Heidi. You are the bus.

Like the episode a couple of weeks ago, the team competition, when the whole team said Michael C. was the weakest link and the judges were all shocked and appalled (because they're all sweetness and light, right), wringing their hands and wailing, "Oh poor, poor Michael C. Will no one defend him?", maybe they should have asked themselves if there was a reason that every single person said he was the weakest link. Everyone who has worked with him has said that throughout this competition! (Well, until Mondo last week.)

I think they gave the bridesmaid's dress win to Michael C. just to spite the other contestants, which -- um, again, isn't this a competition? About design? Did I miss when it changed to a self-esteem support group? Because his dress was hideous and the judges were completely wrong. Mondo should have won, no question. And the judges totally bombed Michael D.'s because his model was plus-sized, though of course they would never admit that. He got no points for working with someone plus-sized, and it is much harder to make someone big look good than it is to make someone thin look good. Take it from someone who is not thin anymore. It's damned hard.

Last week, Andy was clearly the winner and they gave it to April. April's looked like lingerie. So, yeah, resort wear in a sense. And I kept wanting to pull the damn straps up that drooped down over the model's arms (April said she wanted her to look bound or trapped or in bondage or drunk or something). But Kristen Bell said she would wear it on the red carpet. Apparently she fell down before they started filming this episode and was concussed the entire time. What a great actress! You couldn't even tell except for the nonsense she was spouting. Unless she's referring to some X-rated red carpet event that I don't know about, like the porn Oscars. Hey, I guess they do have something like that, it was in Boogie Nights (my complete reference for all things porn).

The most interesting guest judges -- and the only logical guest judges to have -- are people who are actual designers. Let's see, usual judges... Heidi, supermodel with questionable taste; Michael Kors, designer with questionable taste; and Nina Garcia, ...something... with questionable taste. And no one to shake up all of their preconceived notions except actresses? With questionable taste. What qualifications do they have? That they wear clothes? That they wear expensive clothes? That they wear expensive clothes that they pay someone to choose for them?

Really, I have to ask. If they have all that money, designers throwing dresses at them for big events, and the best figures money can buy, WHY DO THEY STILL LOOK SO DARN TRASHY?!

Okay, sorry to get all-capsy on you.

To sum up, I am not happy with Project Runway this season. I think the judges are way off. Oh! I just had a brainwave. It's Heidi's bangs! She can't see the designs! And then the others go along with her because it's her show and she's got that whole steely German stare thing, even more scary through a forest of bangs. Hmm.

I'm glad they finally took Gretchen down a couple of notches. But sending Casanova home? I loved Casanova! His design wasn't great, admittedly, but I think Gretchen's was worse. It actually made her model look fat and frumpy. Who wants to look fat and frumpy, especially at a resort? And especially when you're 5'11" and weigh 110 lbs, you've forgotten what teeth are for, and you survive on cigarettes, water, and the glowing knowledge that you make everyone else look like elephants in their resort wear.

J&K+MJ=Who Cares, It's All About My Baby!

1. Jon & Kate + Zzzzzzz

I watched the show when Bunny was tiny and I was up at all hours, and I liked it. All those babies! I was struggling enough with just one! It didn't bother me when they started with some product placement and getting free trips. That's the benefit of being on TV. And they had to deal with the downside -- having cameras on them all the time. It did bother me that the children were growing up with people watching them. It just smacked of exploitation, and it bothered me more the longer the show was on.

People have mentioned how mean Kate has been to Jon, like they're surprised. She talked to him like that from the earliest shows I watched, season two at the latest. And Jon just took it. In every show I watched. Just like I imagine he did the whole time they were together, even before they had children and cameras got involved. Sure, she shouldn't talk to her husband like that, but then he shouldn't just put up with it if it really bothered him. Besides, can you imagine the show without her? With two Jon types? Oh, it's Jon & Kzzzzzzz.

What bothered me the most about the recent hoopla was the fact that everyone was picking on Kate. Wha...? Jon CHEATED on his wife with some 22-year-old tramp, and she's the bad guy? I don't care how mean she is to him, he doesn't have the right to do that. Be a man and stick up for yourself or leave her and stay away from floozies until you're divorced. YOUR CHILDREN ARE WATCHING YOU, YOU SELFISH IDIOT.

(And now he has yet another young girlfriend -- does he think they'd give him the time of day if he weren't famous? Well, maybe he does, he doesn't seem all that bright. And he's apparently going to be designing a line of children's clothes. Because he's such a loving father who knows so much about children. Not to mention fashion. Sigh. Is my disgust showing again?)

Anyway, that's my two belated cents on that whole mess. I'm just sick of them both and wish they'd pull the show and shut them up. I feel sorry for the kids, who are somehow all adorable.

ps-Others are catching up with my disgust (belatedly I think) and someone used the perfect word for Jon Gosselin -- odious. He is an odious man. Yes!

2. Enough!

I am sorry that Michael Jackson died an untimely death, though not surprised. I was listening to some CDs last week; I'd forgotten how good some of his music really is. It's too bad his weirdness overshadowed his talent. However, I'm glad that wall-to-wall coverage is finally over. There were other things going on in the world, after all, many more important than the death of a pop star, despite the fact that his passing apparently left all kinds of empty souls and lives behind. Get a grip, people.

Tip to estate executors: Neverland = California's Graceland


3. Audience Participation

I'm sorry to say that Bunny has turned into a picky eater. Last night Andrew made an enchilada casserole, green beans, and carrots, and Bunny wouldn't even try the casserole. We told him it was meat and cheese -- no sale. We ate it and said how yummy it was -- still didn't buy it. We gave up on that and pulled out some lunch meat. We finally got him to eat that and some carrots by telling him how funny it would be if he ate it instead of throwing it on the floor -- to him, the height of hilarity. Anyway, he's such a ham that he did it. He put some in his mouth with this little mischievous look and we laughed and clapped and he smiled and ate it. Yippee! This will work until he catches on. So we'll need a new approach by tomorrow.

Royale with Cheesy

They finally got rid of Elina the Superior, who still didn't shine despite being in almighty Europe. Did you notice how much she resembled Julia Styles this week?

It's ridiculous that they didn't get rid of Marjorie who is a major pain in the backside. I can't imagine being patient with her in real life, but maybe I would feel sorry for her. Her insecurities are really crippling. Which is why it is a mystery that she's still there. She only made it to TWO go-sees and neither one would book her! And her pictures weren't that great. The others should feel pretty confident about next week unless they really screw something up, because TYRA. Marjorie needs to go home now.

Go Greek! Or not.

When I first went to college, I went through Rush, against my inclination. After getting through all the (fake) parties and (phony) hoo-ha, they told us all not to go suicide (choosing only one sorority instead of three in order of preference) because if you don't get that choice, then you won't be in a sorority at all. (Horrors!)

I was too young and unsure to go with my gut instinct to only put one (because I only really wanted that one), so on the day of the big REVEAL (I don't remember what they actually called that day) I toddled up to the student union with all the other young hopefuls to find out who wanted me. (This was in the days before the computer, y'all. We had to actually go up to the building and look at a PAPER on a WALL. Old school, yo.)

I got my second choice. Which I didn't want. So there I was, surrounded by squealing, excited, screaming, happy, and did I mention squealing? girls, absolutely gutted. I went home, disappointed, embarrassed, angry, and humiliated. You know, if I'd gone suicide, I would have gotten a call the night before the big results day and could have just stayed home and nursed my humiliation in private.

So thanks for that awesome experience, Greek system at LSU! You rock! No wait, remove r-o and insert s-u. That's it.

Cosmoslutitan

I just flipped through a Cosmopolitan while eating lunch, since I finished my last book and don't have a replacement yet. It is COMPLETE trash. Even more than it was when I was in college.

The cover alone is filled (and I mean filled, there's barely a wedge of space for Scarlett Johansson, though there's of course room for her cleavage) with the following blurbs:

Cosmo's Big, Juicy SEX POLL: 30,570 Dudes Tell What They're Dying for You to Do in Bed

8 New Love Truths You Must Learn

Sexy Eyes: Just Try This Trick, p. 200

How Dirty Is His Mind? Filthy, to Be Exact. You'll Be Shocked... and Intrigued

Why Men Cheat in August

SEX EXTRAS: Naughty Games (Tear Out for Tonight), Hilarious Bedroom Bloopers

Oh, yeah, and Scarlett is going to tell us all What She Learned About Love--and Monogamy

Um, she's 23. Twenty-three. Yes, this is who I want to get relationship advice from -- someone who is barely able to legally buy a drink AND doesn't live in the real world by any stretch of the imagination.

Oh, and those are all the blurbs. There isn't one that isn't sex-related. Well, it is THE HOT ISSUE, so I shouldn't be surprised. But seriously... why guys cheat in August? Is it really different from why they cheat in February or October or May? I'm guessing it's not. But let's look. Oh, see, the article title is Why Guys Cheat in the Summer. Okay, it's just saying they are more likely to be unfaithful during warm-weather months. Which is all year down here, so... too bad, Southern ladies! Get used to it!

And I don't think I'm going to be intrigued by some loser's filthiest fantasies, but to be fair... turning to page 172... Okay, this is mostly guys talking about how they want to be able to please their girlfriends and not worry about this or that... Not filthy at all. Hm. Now I AM intrigued.

When looking up these articles, I noticed the Table of Contents had some articles -- well, the hot ones -- thoughtfully labeled with little Hot icons, just in case I'm too stupid to decide if an article is Hot or not. Oh, well, I guess for faithful readers...

Even all of this did nothing to prepare me for the guy without his shirt feature. It implores me to Check Out This Month's Half-Naked Hunk. Huh? What magazine is this? Is this aimed at women?

Very strange. If this is what Helen Gurley Brown thinks is feminism, it leaves me cold. And confused. Is emulating men's worst traits the way to gain equality? I don't think so. I've always thought she had an odd idea of feminism, anyway. In the past, Cosmo included the occasional article encouraging women to take charge of their own sexuality, but most of the articles were -- and are -- still about How to Please Your Man; they're just worded a little differently.

But I'm afraid I'm in the minority on this. I think I'll go buy a cane and practice brandishing it, so I'll be ready when all the noisemongering little hooligans start throwing their new-fangled contraptions -- like Frisbees (outlandish word!) -- on my lawn.

Oh, Come On

I missed the ANTM finale again last night, so I made Andrew check to see if they were going to air it again. He said he didn't see it if they were, but they are going to rerun the entire cycle soon. So he asked if I wanted to know who won and I said, I guess so. He said, Who do you think didn't win? I said, Whitney. He said, Yeah, she won.

This show is so totally rigged. They just want to seem PC, like they aren't causing anorexia and bulimia and drug abuse and God only knows what else, so they leaped on the first "plus-size" girl who was as close to being as thin as the others as possible without actually slipping out of the plus category.

Well, I'm not upset, I liked Whitney, though she was a little fake. She's pretty and I like that she is normal-sized, though I hate that means she's considered a plus-sized model. I don't mean normal, as in Americans have gotten so fat that now Whitney is considered normal. I mean, Whitney is normal, Americans are generally MUCH fatter than that, and the other girls are like sticks and probably don't eat. Of course, some girls are naturally that thin when they are that young. God knows I was. Well, I don't know; I don't think you could see my entire rib cage from the BACK. *shudder*

I can't recap, obs, since I didn't see it, but I hope to catch it when they rerun this cycle. I probably won't watch the episodes again because I really did find the show -- and Tyra, especially -- to be extra annoying this time around. But I would like to see the finale and how they justified choosing Whitney.

I just checked around and have seen some pictures of Whitney pre-show where she is really thin. There's a rumor going around that someone from the show approached her and told her she'd be on it if she gained 10-20 pounds. So she was a size 4 or 6 and went up to an... 8? Maybe a 10? It's hard to say, since the camera does add pounds. I wonder. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if it was true. Nothing seems honest on this show.

If they were going to go with a plus-sized model, they should have gone with Toccara who was beautiful (and presumably still is) and seemed like a lot of fun. She was really plus-sized; Whitney just seems slightly bigger than the rest.

Lists!

Things that bug me:

• People who don’t use their turn signals. A little warning before you go haring across my lane to get to the Dairy Queen would be nice, bumblewit!
  
  
• People who go the same speed side-by-side on a highway. The left lane is called the passing lane for a reason, slowpoke, move over already!
  
  
• People who pull out right in front of me and then go 5 miles an hour. What happened to the emergency that caused you to pull out RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME two seconds ago?!

(Sense a theme? I could go on, but I’ll move into non-vehicular peeves now.)

• Competitive parents. Yes, it’s amazing that little Johnny is only 8 months old and has already written a novel. I’m sure Harvard will care. I do not.
  
  
• People who block exits/aisles. Hello, you are not the only person in the world! Move on or move over! Grrr.
  
  
• The misuse of its and it’s. Its is possessive, like “The rose has lost its petals.” It’s is a contraction, like “It’s a nice day today.” It’s easy to tell them apart: when you see the apostrophe, just think “it is” and you won’t be confused anymore!
  
  
• How everyone says everything sucks all the time. Find another word, people!
  
  
• How I say everything sucks all the time.
  

So I’m not just a Negative Nellie, here are some things I like:

(Skipping the obvious, like the way my son smells and how soft his tiny hands are and his laugh and his long eyelashes and his tiny teeth and… )

• When all the lights turn green just as I come up to them.
  
  
• When I don’t think I’ve got something that I’m really craving and Eureka! There’s one left!
  
  
• When a good song I haven’t heard in ages comes on the radio.
  
  
• When I get the scissors at the right angle and just slide them up and they cut like a dream. I especially love this because I can’t cut straight to save my life if I think about it.
  
  
• Free shipping.
  
  
• This picture:

Greener Grass

I'm back! With another brilliant and incisive personal post.

I keep running into people, myself included (not that I actually run into myself, mind you), who say things along these lines: “I hate my life”; “my life sucks”; “I’ve got to get out of here!” Now, these people are not in what appear to be horrible situations – they have jobs, homes, clothing to wear, food to eat. Most of them also have some spending money for the occasional CD, movie, dinner out, new something-they-don’t-really-need-but-that-makes-them-momentarily-happier. So what gives? Why this miasma of misery? There’s no real reason that I know of that any one of these people (myself included) can’t do something to make themselves happier. And yet they (we) don’t. I wonder why.

Of course, I suspect that some of it is a generational funk. We of the Me Generation and after were not raised to have the stiff upper lip, “theirs not to reason why” attitude. We are, on the whole, soft. And we have the luxury of looking around to see what other people have and what they’re doing and now we have a whole generation trying to keep up with the Joneses. Which is, as we all know, a horrible downward spiral with no happy Disney ending in sight.

But it seems like we do work harder with less to show for it these days, and in some areas you practically have to bankrupt yourself to get your children a decent education (which is sooo not right). I don’t think this is all a keeping-up-with-the-J’s kind of thing. I think we’ve got some serious issues as a nation that no one is willing to address. Oh well, easy for me to say, I guess. I’m not exactly proposing solutions here.

I also think our increased globalization contributes to this free-floating wretchedness. Before TV, who knew that some inexcusable excrescence like Paris Hilton (Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, [insert drunken bimbo here]) even existed? Or if we did know, we could be fooled into thinking she actually deserved to live by clever stage managing. Now we have her publicly declaring herself unfit for any place in civilized society every time we turn around, whether it be out of her own mouth, by yet another slit-eyed drunken picture in yet another mimbo’s jet / limo / arms, or simply by the outfit she’s wearing. People like me, relatively normal people who work hard, are honest, and try to do good things, are well on our way to early strokes because of the unfairness of it all. And I think we have a point.

And yet.

I know I could do more with my life that would make me happier and more satisfied. But I feel like I can’t, for some reason. Am I paralyzed by the staggering array of choices I have today? Am I afraid that it wouldn’t be all I had cracked it up to be in my imaginings? Am I simply afraid of failure, that if I fail, I won’t have any money, and then no safety net for when I inevitably have a stray piano fall on my head or catch cancer from a passing public toilet seat?

Sigh. Okay, so I realize I’ve got a little problem here. (And I don't mean catching cancer from a toilet seat. I know that’s not possible. It’s gout from a toilet seat, cancer from burned hotdogs.) What I find interesting is that so many other people I know seem to have the same problem. Why so much dissatisfaction? Why so much anger?

I think we are overcrowded and in too much of a hurry and TV is ruining us all.

Lurning Rules!

Here’s what prompted this entry. I went to a fast food chain for lunch and found some creative expression scratched onto the surface of the table where I sat. There was the obligatory picture or two with “Jester” spelled out in oddly-shaped letters. So far, so typical. Then, our valiant artist could restrain himself no longer – “Vandelysm Rules!” he exclaimed defiantly to an uncaring universe.

Sigh. It’s bad enough that people feel the need to ruin every smooth surface they encounter, just to prove they exist, apparently, but to misspell it?! I think the universe will continue to be cold and uncaring as long as it can't understand the message.

In a similar example, a friend of mine once told me that while waiting to contest a traffic ticket, he found himself sitting next to “Sinerman,” according to the gent’s burly tattooed forearm. So he said, “Sinerman?” (pronouncing it as spelled, sīn' ur măn). The very large and fairly hirsute gentleman in question glared at him from under unruly brows and from deep within the mass of muscle and beer belly growled, “That’s Sinnerman.” Ah, of course it is.

We laughed and laughed. (Later, of course.) Nothing like a permanent advertisement of your ignorance, prominently displayed on your own body. I’m not sure that can be topped.

Very Serious Entry

After my previous post, I'm now going to regress to babbling about inconsequential things, like TV shows. I've heard that Amy Sherman-Palladino, she of the wacky top hats and self-conscious witticisms, is leaving The Gilmore Girls. I don't know if this is good or bad. It's good if the horrible downward spiral the show has been in for the last two seasons is her doing. It has to be her doing, or at least it's been done with her blessing. It's her show, after all. (And hubby Daniel Palladino's, because he's her husband. I just read that he has something to do with Family Guy, which explains a lot, to me anyway.) So maybe it will get a breath of fresh air with their departure and find its feet again.

Here's what I'd like to see... Luke back to his old good self, but more interesting; Lorelai and Luke together and happy (stop driving them apart, it's annoying and there's more going on on this show than just these two and their romance, so get them together already!); more of April, who is interesting, but not of her mom, who is not; more of Sookie, who is adorable; more of Paris, who is hilarious (sorry, unintentional rhyme); more of Lane and her band because they're way more fun than Rory and her snooty friends; more of Lorelai, because Lauren Graham makes this show; more of Emily and Richard, because the actors are just so darn good. LESS OF RORY. I'm sick of Snow White and how perfect we're supposed to think she is. SHE'S BORING.

And please make Logan's plane to London go down in a fiery mixture of Dalmore 62 and self-satisfaction (or something, anything really, as long as he's GONE). I don't like that guy. And no one else I know does either. I mean, really, who likes a young man who addresses grandparents by their first names? Presumptuous much? Who likes someone who refers to other adults by cheesy nicknames like "Ace" (or Buddy or Sport)? I have yet to like anyone who refers to others in this arrogant pseudo-hearty "I can't be bothered to learn or remember your real name" way. (Personally, I'm always tempted to respond to a "Hey, Buddy!" with a "Hello, Ass!" but I am regrettably too polite to actually do it.)

So who does like this character? The writers? Stop trying to make him sympathetic, we aren't buying it. Poor little rich rich rich rich rich boy. Gag. Whatever. Give me that money and I promise I'd be happy! I'd even go work for the irredeemably awful Mitchum Huntzberger.

I am ready to bid Amy and Daniel a happy adieu, hoping that this means the show can get back on a good track. I am trying not to feel sure that it is doomed. Ms. Top Hat did a great job starting this show, and though I think it tried too hard at the beginning to be clever and quirky, it ended up working, largely because of the great cast. So I say kudos for a great show! I just wish it could have stayed great longer.

Russian literature

Here's another thing I don't really get... why great Russian literature is so great. Granted, I only have limited experience -- Anna Karenina and now The Brothers Karamazov -- but they are leaving me a little cold. Maybe it's the translations; they can be off-putting. Very stilted, using words and phrases in ways that seem unnatural for English language speakers. I don't get why they aren't translated more naturally, but then I don't know the first thing about Russian so maybe the translations are spot-on. I have to say I'm enjoying Dostoevsky more than Tolstoy; at least he has a sense of humor! And lest anyone think I'm a complete Philistine, let me say that I like the books overall and I think parts of them are brilliant. I'm just a little underwhelmed.

Can you guess, gentle reader, which is which?

Maybe it's the beards that make them cranky. Maybe a long beard catching random things in it that you have to comb out makes you stop and think about the big picture, the big questions in life. Does God get food caught in his beard? No, God doesn't eat. Does He? Does He get stars caught in his beard? No, He's not corporeal. Is He? Does He exist? Do I exist? Is there life after death or just bleak black nothingness? Do I look hot in a beard or what?

I don't get it

What is this fascination that the American public has with Paris Hilton? Is it the whole trainwreck thing? I can't think of any other reason why anyone would care about this absolute waste of space. Unless it's that deal she made with Satan. To give the American public a break, maybe they can't help it -- they have to pay attention to someone so desperate for it. And maybe the überskank is trying to fill the gaping hole left by her parents' lack of attention and affection. Even so, she's stupid, selfish, spoiled, skanky, and self-important. (I just realized those all begin with s -- unintentional alliteration, yeah, I did it.) When will we all stop pretending that she has any talent or does anything worthwhile? South Park got it right when they lampooned her. I just hate that she's famous enough for them to lampoon. And for me to go on a rant about. So, let's just say I hate that anyone gives attention to someone who has all that money and then not only doesn't do anything good or useful with it, she blows it (literally and figuratively). Can't she even wear nice clothes?!

Initializing output...

Let me just begin by saying how disappointed I've become in The Gilmore Girls. I used to really enjoy it - clever writing, good acting, zany situations... But now it's sort of turned into the Rory Show, and frankly, I don't like her. Why does every other character on that show like her?! I can't stand it anymore.