Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall. The Salon Wall, That Is.

Well, ANTM gets sillier by the episode, which I didn't think was possible. The whole princess party/Miss Jay as the wicked witch/Mr. Jay as Prince Charming/Tyra "acting"... awkward. Awk-waard! Tyra has an odd way of presenting herself to the contestants -- one minute she's the best friend, then she's the den mother, then she's the show-off friend, then she's the judge/executioner. If I were one of the contestants, I would dread the day Tyra showed up in the living room.

Anyway, the photo shoot was fun to watch because the photographer was Russell James, who (whom?) I really like and would love to work with in another lifetime when I'm a photographer. I don't know what happened to his reality show, The Shot, because I really enjoyed it -- hello, I watch ANTM for the photography! So I guess it didn't get the ratings. Damn you, American Public!

Anyway again, the show otherwise was extremely anticlimactic for the makeover show. The only one who was upset was Elina, and I don't blame her. They weaved in this fuzzy sort of red poodle on her head. That dog was barking! Okay, I don't know what that means, but it was ugly. She got over being upset about it pretty well and lied lied LIED to the photographer and supermodel/bathing suit designer at the photo shoot and said she loves it, because she's not a complete idiot. Except for her pash on Clark, the snouted wonder. Most of the makeovers were pretty tame except they gave Clark dark brown, almost black, hair, and honestly, the only thing going for her before was her blondness. She has a look that we had a very non-PC colloquialism for when I was growing up; I can't say what it is because I may offend people, but I can hint that it has something to do with where the person looks like they live. Like her real name is Sharlena or Bambi or Brittnee or Rylee or Reba Garthetta or maybe even Sharlena Rylee Garthetta. Let's just say I don't think she's attractive and move on.

Most of the other girls ended up looking better.

Brittany, who (whom?) I should just rename Bitchany, seems to think she knows everything and has the right to set up inquisitions and judge the other contestants. See that superior look? That isn't a pose. All of the other girls let her get away with it, so I guess they have Only Themselves to Blame, but... me no likee her. She was grilling Elina because Elina said she hates her mom, and was all, Does she pay the rent? Does she buy groceries? Like that's proof of a good mother. That's the bare minimum of what should be expected of someone who BROUGHT YOU INTO THE WORLD. I wish Elina had stood up to her better, she just said You should know my mom. I mean, Duh, Bitchany, do you know her mom? Do you know what her life has been like? Her mom could manage to put a roof over Elina's head and get her the minimum amount of food necessary for survival and still be a horrible person. (Of course, Elina could be an ungrateful brat, but my point is that Brittany didn't KNOW and was handing out judgments like the Recording Angel or something. Just like she wanted to rake Hannah over the coals for racism, when Hannah hadn't displayed any racism at all! Well, at least not that we saw. Well, not yet. That we saw. Anyhoodle, I would have pushed Isis away from me in the hot tub, too, not because of racism or any kind of -ism other than I don't like people I don't know very well drifting into me in a hot tub-ism. That was rude, if you ask me. And I think Lauren Brie pushed, too, but Hannah got all the blame. And who's whiter than Lauren Brie? She's named after cheese!)

But guess what? Sometimes life is good and justice is served. Brittany, aka Bitchany, aka The Pretty Girl, got the AX. Or AXE, if you prefer. Yes! Every once in a while they get one right and it makes me happy. Honestly, I didn't think she was the worst model and I don't think she had the worst picture (hello, Clark!) but she was by far the most annoying one, so good riddance. As she was leaving she said she was too bright a star to just fade away, which may or may not be true, I can't say; what I can say is that I'm just happy she'll be shining her little superior know-it-all light elsewhere from now on.

Oh! We got to see Nigel's wife! She does exist! She's some sort of CoverGirl spokesperson and maybe model? I don't know. She's pretty, that's for sure, but I still think Nigel wanders. I mean, come on.

So. Some of the girls seem like fun, like Joslyn, Samantha, and Sheena. The others seem mostly boring, but maybe they've just been edited that way. I still say the winner will be ethnic, but it won't be Isis. Tyra will keep her around long enough to impress us all with her broad-mindedness and then BOOT. Besides, Russell James didn't know she was transgendered and said he didn't think she had the facial structure for modeling. So I think she's there more for Tyra than for her.

What am I saying? Aren't they all??!!

PS - As much as I hate Mr. Jay's hair -- it looks like someone spilled baby powder on it and he only had time to brush it half out and then just said To hell with it -- I still think he's good-looking. Why do so many people seem to think he's gross? And he's been much more likable the last few cycles, I think. Less orange, less strange, less hyper and mean and kiss-ass. I still don't see why Miss Jay gets to judge and Mr. Jay doesn't, but Tyra didn't ask me what I thought. If she had, this show would be a LOT different. And honestly, probably a lot less fun.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

America's Next Top... Dude? Stick Figure? Small Mammal?

So on ANTM this week, it was the usual. Charges of racism, girls freaking out, drama, drama, DRAMA. And yet boring.

The photo shoot was kind of fun to watch, and I won't make fun of any of them on that rope ladder in long dresses and high heels because I'd probably still be hanging there if I had to do it. "Jay?... um, Mr. Jay?" [sound of crickets]

Anyway, I have to talk about some of the contestants because it is what I do.

This is the first cycle in a while that has NO PLUS-SIZED GIRL. Oh, but it wasn't rigged last cycle, not at all. Instead, this cycle has a transgendered contestant and an unemployed girl and a girl who is apparently French? (I missed where she was from, partly because I can't hear her when she speaks and forget lip-reading because she tends to hide her face in her hunched-up shoulders. If you are really that shy and insecure, what possessed you to try out for a modeling competition???) and a vegan lesbian with a vaguely Middle European look. Yes? No? Whatever. She apparently has a little crush on Clark and I cannot figure out why. Clark has a SNOUT. It's a relatively pretty snout, sure, but still... snout. SNOUT. Wow, that word is beginning to lose all meaning. So, here you go... proof:

Okay, maybe that picture doesn't really prove my point, but it is all I could find. I am not as techno-savvy as I'd like to be, and I can't afford all them dadgum gadgets anyhow. You're just going to have to watch the show and see for yourself (soon! I don't know how long she'll last!). You'll see; she is snout-licious.

I think Isis is there primarily as yet another way for Tyra to seem open-minded and warm and fuzzy, but DAMN is he, urgh, sorry, she secure! I mean, I don't think she's the sharpest knife in the drawer (and maybe that helps keep your skin thick -- if you can't understand the insult, you can't feel it) but anyway, she seems pretty secure and focused. I admire that. And she's taken pretty good pictures so far.

Hannah, on the other hand, poor thing. She's from ALASKA, in case you haven't heard her say that about a hundred times already. But she is from a small town and is only 18, so maybe she's as gosh-darn innocent and vulnerable as she seems. I do know that if those tough inner-city girls were ganging up on my daughter, I'd be heading straight for Tyra, nails drawn. I'm not saying she hasn't made some mistakes that have maybe hurt some of the other girls' feelings (though they don't seem hurt so much as relishing the chance to take down a vulnerable lil ole white girl), but seeing her cry made me feel for her parents. That's all. Well, that and I know she's going to go through all that for nothing, at least as far as the competition goes. I don't think she'll last very long. But hey, maybe some personal growth!

They kicked off Nikeysha last night, and I'm not sorry to see her go. I just didn't think much of her modeling potential. Tyra asked her what she eats and she didn't really answer. Um, what was the point of that, Tyra? "Girl, are you anorexic? Get off my show!" Whatever, it's not like they really care, see oh, almost all of the girls that have ever been on this show, except the plus girls, of course. But it was disturbing to me that in her photograph Nikeysha was wearing a bangle bracelet -- designed to fit on your forearm -- on her upper arm. I'm sure that is not uncommon in the modeling world but yurk. When your elbow is bigger than your bicep, it's time to EAT A SANDWICH. Damn.

Anyway, as much as I figured that the show is rigged as far as Tyra having planned which type of girl she wants to win before the cycle even begins, I now think that she has decided which girl will win before it even begins (filming, at least) and they manipulate everything around that. Which is more disappointing to me than knowing they have decided which type they want. So, anyway, this cycle winner won't be a blond white girl, and probably won't even be a white girl. Sorry, Lauren Brie, Samantha, Clark, Marjorie, Annaleigh, McKey, Hannah, and Elina, this cycle gone be 'bout flava.

While I don't like Sheena's hood-speak or fake boobs, I do like her. So far. I think she's got a decent shot at it if she can stop hoochie-ing it up and get some class. At least the little bit that is required for ANTM. (And although I am anti-fake boobs unless it's reconstruction, she has a rockin' figure. I wonder what she looked like pre-surgery. Probably pretty rockin'. Ah well. Girls today.)

Joslyn, who is the Louisiana girl (holla!), is unemployed and has a tendency to use a strange high-pitched voice à la Chris Tucker (kind of; and I can't decide if she can help it or not), but she seems like fun. If she will get off the racist thing with Hannah. (I think they all need to just calm down. Besides, I think Hannah pushed Isis because she's a dude-but-not-really, not because she's black.) Anyway, Joslyn tried out for ANTM thirty times. Yes, that's right, 30. No wonder she's unemployed! Trying to get on ANTM was her job. I wonder if they accepted her just to get rid of her, you know? But she has taken some surprisingly good pictures.

All right, that's all for now. I'm too busy worrying about Hurricane Ike to think about this anymore.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Mother Nature is a Tricky Mother

Well, Gustav came through and fortunately only brushed by us, bringing wind and rain but not much terror. We stayed at my parents' because their house is much sturdier than our rental, and they of course lost power for about 12 hours while ours apparently STAYED ON, but whatever, I can't see the future.

So, completely looking the gift horse that is Gustav NOT picking up the house and depositing us we-knew-not-where in the mouth for a moment, I'm griped because we took a boatload of stuff over there in case a tornado peeled off the roof of our house like the seal inside a new jar of peanut butter (YUM) and instead of being able to unpack, do laundry, pick up tree limbs and debris, maybe even EAT LUNCH, I (unexpectedly) had to come to work! So I'm sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs. Metaphorically, of course. Not being sure what constitutes actual twiddling, my thumbs are completely innocent. They wanted you to know that.

Anyway, we are okay and I really am thankful for that. Thanks to those of you who checked on us!