Monday, July 28, 2008


I just flipped through a Cosmopolitan while eating lunch, since I finished my last book and don't have a replacement yet. It is COMPLETE trash. Even more than it was when I was in college.

The cover alone is filled (and I mean filled, there's barely a wedge of space for Scarlett Johansson, though there's of course room for her cleavage) with the following blurbs:

Cosmo's Big, Juicy SEX POLL: 30,570 Dudes Tell What They're Dying for You to Do in Bed

8 New Love Truths You Must Learn

Sexy Eyes: Just Try This Trick, p. 200

How Dirty Is His Mind? Filthy, to Be Exact. You'll Be Shocked... and Intrigued

Why Men Cheat in August

SEX EXTRAS: Naughty Games (Tear Out for Tonight), Hilarious Bedroom Bloopers

Oh, yeah, and Scarlett is going to tell us all What She Learned About Love--and Monogamy

Um, she's 23. Twenty-three. Yes, this is who I want to get relationship advice from -- someone who is barely able to legally buy a drink AND doesn't live in the real world by any stretch of the imagination.

Oh, and those are all the blurbs. There isn't one that isn't sex-related. Well, it is THE HOT ISSUE, so I shouldn't be surprised. But seriously... why guys cheat in August? Is it really different from why they cheat in February or October or May? I'm guessing it's not. But let's look. Oh, see, the article title is Why Guys Cheat in the Summer. Okay, it's just saying they are more likely to be unfaithful during warm-weather months. Which is all year down here, so... too bad, Southern ladies! Get used to it!

And I don't think I'm going to be intrigued by some loser's filthiest fantasies, but to be fair... turning to page 172... Okay, this is mostly guys talking about how they want to be able to please their girlfriends and not worry about this or that... Not filthy at all. Hm. Now I AM intrigued.

When looking up these articles, I noticed the Table of Contents had some articles -- well, the hot ones -- thoughtfully labeled with little Hot icons, just in case I'm too stupid to decide if an article is Hot or not. Oh, well, I guess for faithful readers...

Even all of this did nothing to prepare me for the guy without his shirt feature. It implores me to Check Out This Month's Half-Naked Hunk. Huh? What magazine is this? Is this aimed at women?

Very strange. If this is what Helen Gurley Brown thinks is feminism, it leaves me cold. And confused. Is emulating men's worst traits the way to gain equality? I don't think so. I've always thought she had an odd idea of feminism, anyway. In the past, Cosmo included the occasional article encouraging women to take charge of their own sexuality, but most of the articles were -- and are -- still about How to Please Your Man; they're just worded a little differently.

But I'm afraid I'm in the minority on this. I think I'll go buy a cane and practice brandishing it, so I'll be ready when all the noisemongering little hooligans start throwing their new-fangled contraptions -- like Frisbees (outlandish word!) -- on my lawn.

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